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Suicide
A poster named Fireflower posted an article titled "Suicide" to alt.sexual.abuse.recovery.moderated. Because my sister Peggy had attempted suicide (and failed with tragic results) and because I have witnessed more than one suicide - I read the post - and responded...
Hi, Fireflower...
fireflower wrote:
> there are no words left. i have to do this. soon, i think...
> nothing left to hold onto...
>
> world spinning, numbness coming into focus, hard to stay in my body,
why
> even try? just want this whole mess to be over.
Before you read the rest of this, FireFlower, I have been where you are now;
buried in the deepest, blackest despair, literally seconds from ending my life...I'll share that after talking about a few things that the suicide - and attempted suicide - of people I care for has taught me...
Why try?
Let's look at what you'd leave behind...
Victory for you abusers; they win - they have succeeded in silencing you, they have succeeded in hiding what they have done, and see that as more justification to go on and abuse others... *and they will*, simply because they succeeded in silencing you, destroying you.
The lesson to other survivors that it is OK to give up - a lesson to your children, friends, family - that giving up, destroying themselves is the only way to deal with abuse. One suicide all too often triggers more suicides; that's a fact of life. So, even though you won't be there to see it, there will be others getting your message, getting the message that suicide is the only answer - and the chances are very high that some of them will follow through and in turn suicide.
You would leave behind the message that not one of your family - not your children, your spouse - are worth anything at all to you; you would leave them the message that they are worthless, and deserve to be abandoned, because you have abandoned them - you would leave the message that they were never good enough to be loved, cared for, respected; that their love for you was not good enough and not enough, that their love for you was absolutely worthless - and they would live with that message the rest of their lives...
You would leave huge guilt trips for those you've left behind, those you've talked to, shared with, been with - be they friends or just acquantences; it's called "survivor guilt". They will be questioning themselves, doing the "what if" and "If only I had..." to themselves over and over again, blaming themselves for your death.
This last one I know very very well, Fireflower...
I and my siblings were subjected to particularly vicious abuse as children; and after we were rescued by the law/system, we learned real fast that trying to talk about what was done to us was forbidden, not allowed... the old "it's in the past, get on with your life" thing... In full hindsight, those adults and authority figures who told us to "forget about it, get on with your lives" were wrong, very very dangerously wrong...
In 1973, my sister Peggy overdosed on drugs and alchohol after pleading with me to talk to her; there was literally no one with whom she could talk, no one with whom she could process the memories except me; and she could no longer face the memories of what had been done to us, and needed to talk to me. I brushed her off because I just didn't want to talk to her at that time. 3 hours later, she was in a coma. She attempted suicide using uppers, downers, and vodka. She's quadreplegic, blind, and has an IQ less than 60; and has been so since 1973.
I still feel guilt, pain because I wasn't there for her... as do all of my relatives, our relatives...
In August of 1994, my second marriage was ending - my then-wife was divorcing me, and with the laws being what they are, I was royally screwed. The circumstances were such that my self-view was of a two-time debt-laden loser whom nobody could ever love, and whom nobody could or would ever want.
The life situation was such that I literally could not sleep in my own (rented) house; the now-ex had already made one attempt on my life - so there were many many nights where I'd drive my truck to a park or a river, and sleep there. I saw no way out, I could not perceive of my life ever improving - and on a Friday night, decided enough was enough, and set up the mechanisms for committing suicide.
My job was such that I worked a strict Monday through Friday; I never did work on weekends. The company did allow employees to come in and work weekends if they needed to. All of my friends and acquantences knew I never worked weekends; plus, the employees rarely worked weekends there - so I had a very quiet, very empty place to go where I knew I would not be found until the following Monday.
I had closed and locked the office door, and was in the process of suicide when the phone rang - good old reflexes; I put the items down and answered the phone. It was one of my friends, who somehow sensed that something was very wrong, and had tried finding me - and had a hunch to call me at work on that very early Saturday morning. I didn't tell the friend what I was doing; all I did was let the friend know I was depressed, and how I perceived myself - worthless, unwanted, unlovable; a complete failure that no one could or would ever accept or love.
Somehow, an hour later, something had shifted; the friend never knew until literally years later that the phone call had saved my life... I destroyed the items I was going to use, and just did my best to live day by day... it was hard, painful; despair and depression were my constant companions...
I had no idea what the rest of my life would look like, FireFlower... I could not see it getting any better, and could only see a life of despair, loneliness, and depression ahead of me...
I was wrong... I couldn't have been more wrong if I had tried...
In late 1994, various events occurred that started me on an entirely new path of life... things I could never have forseen in my wildest dreams... the end result is that I left New Jersey and returned home to California, my birth state; found a good job that - even though I have to make support payments to my ex-wife - still left enough afterwards that I could do OK; not great, but OK... and; I was found/I found someone who could look beyond my mistakes to my potential, who is very recovery/healing oriented...
Smiling here... that person became my wife and partner on October 7th, 1995, and we're closer to each other now than we were then... and my life, our lives, is far better than they have ever been... true, I have struggles, even moments of depression and frustration when things happen unexpectedly as life throws yet another curve ball at me - but I'm now in a place where I can deal with those curve balls... it's hard, but it is also worth it...
If I had suicided, FireFlower, I never would have the life I have now; I would have put a huge guilt-burden on my relatives and friends; I would have taught many of them that giving up, letting the abusers win, was the only answer.
It isn't the answer at all, FireFlower... it isn't even an answer...
I know life looks bleak and futile to you now - but as I and many of my friends have learned over the years, life can - and often does - throw good curve balls too, ones that can totally change a person's life for the better....
Get out your catcher's mitt, FireFlower... don't let the abusers win...
GhostWolf
Copyright February 11th, 2001 © T. GhostWolf Davidson. All rights reserved
