Recovery: Journey - or goal?

The following was written in response to a question that I was asked on on a recovery newsgroup by my friend, TideRider... The question was asked because I said (and still say) that recovery is a journey...

Heh...
TideRider; I've been thinking about your observations and questions most of the weekend...
As you know, this last Saturday I took part in a panel discussion about survivor guilt; kind of wish you could have been there, as it was very powerful, and many survivors discussed what recovery means...
You wrote:
 > Hello, Ghostwolf.  There's one matter in what you say here
 > that I'd like to address.  You speak of recovery as a lifelong
 > process, never ending.  But doesn't that also keep the abuser 
 > in control somewhat?  It means the abuser's influence over you
 > never ends.
Not at all, TideRider...
As you've seen, I have a multitude of scars over a lot of my body... those won't ever go away - well, maybe if I went in for the dermal debridement they might (wry mischevious grin)...
The physical injuries that caused those scars no longer have any power over me; for example - the (3rd degree) burn scars on my hand...
I very rarely ever think of them, notice them, ponder them; once in a great while something will happen that will cause them to become sensitive and painful, so at that point I do pay attention to the scars - but only to resolve whatever the current damage/pain is...
When I do think about the origin of the scars, I feel sadness that it happened; sadness that my maternal grandmother was so messed up, dysfunctional, and hurting that she chose to inflict those burns on me.
But, I very very rarely think about that anymore...
The same applies to all the other abuse... scars remain; and for the most part, I rarely think about the abusers... but like the burn scars, I do pay attention when something occurs to remind me of those events - but that is in no way "giving power to the abuser", nor does it mean that the abuser's influence over me never ends...
In one sense - because scars remain - the abuser(s) have had permanent affect; in another sense, there is indeed a permanent influence in that I am far more aware of abuse - and abuse issues - than I otherwise would be...
Personally, I think that is true for every survivor, for what that's worth.
For the abuser to "remain in control", as you've expressed, it would require that I remain in denial, that I would rationalize or explain away any flashbacks, abreactions, or reactions as, for example, "oh, I'm just having a bad hair day" or the "you inconsiderate @#$%, you tuh-riggered me!" type of reaction...
> Isn't there a purpose to recovery? 
Heh... of course 8*)
Moving from memories with pain to memories without pain, to express it in the most generic way...
Recovery goes beyond that though - to learning how to deal with dysfunctions and triggers, to accepting them for what they are without self-condemnation, to working on them to disarm them, to reaching the point that the button (scar) becomes inert...
Again, a generic simplification, but methinks you get the idea...
> Being able to live a life 
> NOT dominated by the abuse you have been subjected to? 
Heh 8*)
Precisely one of the benefits of the recovery journy, quite frankly...
Journey - because one can never be certain that all buttons, all triggers, all dysfunctions have been addressed and resolved... who really can be 100% certain of that, hmmm?
However, I do believe that a point is reached on the recovery journey where the majority of buttons, triggers, flash-back points, etc. can be largely resolved, allowing one - enabling one - to live a life that is indeed NOT dominated by the abuse...
BUT - one thing I firmly believe with all my being is this:
If one then stops, does nothing more - then that person has NOT "completed" recovery... and the abuser's influence is still controlling ones life...
Abuse exists across all generations, and will continue into generations yet to be born... this is because there are not enough people sharing what they have learned; not enough people talking to each other, sharing experiences and ways of dealing with not only their own past abuse - but also ways of dealing with current abusive environments... Too many survivors reach the point of where abuse is indeed NOT the center of their lives - and they stop.
And, by stopping, they literally eliminate the chance for others still hunting for answers - and those yet to be born - of learning effective methods of coping...
Yes, many survivors vow to break the cycle of abuse, vow to never inflect on their own children the horrors they themselves indured... and that is all well and good... But, that is as far as it goes...
The "those who forget the lessons of the past are doomed to repeat them" takes on a whole new (and to me, deeply tragic) meaning -
Others are doomed to repeat the lessons of the past because no one was there to share what those lessons are...
Then, there are those who have lived a fairly decent life, who are simply not aware that abuse is far more pervasive than one would think... who are literally naive...
In my opinion, many of the social ills are addressed ONLY when the "masses" became not just aware - but very aware of what was going on - and, as a result of their newly acquired knowledge, started taking action...
Abuse is another of those "social ills" as far as I am concerned; and like many others, the resulting publicity is producing a wide range of reactions - from support and the usual flurry of law-making by the politicians, to various support groups (professional and lay) springing up, to the full backlash of groups like the FMSF...
Heh... nothing new under the sun there...
Some may think that "oh, there's enough OTHER people who are involved" - and do the "forget about it, get on with my life" bit...
But if there were really enough people involved in sharing their own experiences - not just the abuse - but ways of coping with and resolving the repercussions of abuse - then wouldn't there be one hell of a lot less people in therapy, wouldn't there be one hell of a decrease in abuse cases, assaults, rapes, molestations, beatings, and more?
Thus - as far as I am concerned, the recovery journey has not ended, but taken on a new purpose... Heh, and no, it does NOT have to be the "be all/end all/center" of ones life... just one aspect of life, much like any other aspect...
 > Now you know I have not been through anything 
 > like you have, so you can question my right to even
 > suggest that abuse need not always be key to your life, 
 > but might it not be true that there is a state you could call
 > "recovered enough"? 
Shaking my head and grinning... TideRider, do you really think that I, of all people, would question your right to question? Hugs, you big lummox ;*)
Well, quite frankly, I think that each survivor can (and many do) reach a point that is "recovered enough" - BUT - some forget that there always could be vestiges they are not aware of that could rear up and bite them on the proverbial ass when they least expect it 8*)
That too contributes to my own personal perspective that it is a recovery journey, rather than goal 8*)
That doesn't mean that one need be on guard 24/7 at all, though; it just means that one needs to acknowledge that the possibility of abreaction/triggering will always be there - so that when and if it DOES happen, the person can do "oops - there's something I need to resolve" rather than the "awe, shit! I'm a hunk of garbage because I did xyz" self-condemnation trip...
 > To me, recovery need be carried only to the degree that you can
 > reasonably live a happy life without smacking face first into your 
 > past at every turn.  It's not necessary, or indeed possible, to 
 > scrub out every vestige of the abuse and its effects.  And if you 
 > center your life around recovery, maybe you've lost sight of 
 > the goal.
Heh 8*)
Well, you may have noticed that I've not really worked on my website very much at all in the past year plus some months... No major additions beyond the "words hurt" article; the rest of the changes were all technical - grinning here; remember that one of my nicks is "technowolf" ;*)
During the conference this weekend, I realized that I very rarely mention that I'm an abuse survivor when I meet new people; the intro usually is along the lines of "I'm a senior tech writer, into computers, fishing, camping, etc. etc." 8*)
So, I guess one could say I've reached that point...
BUT - the sharing part of my recovery journey is only beginning, TideRider... and the email I've received since putting up my website has validated - for me - that the journey is a good one... that it is indeed, a journey... not a goal...
There will always be someone out there who thinks they are alone, who is lost, hunting for answers, for reasons, for peace...
Who will share with them, TideRider?
Who will teach them to fish (instead of simply giving them "A" fish)?
Those for whom the goal of recovery has been reached?
Or... those for whom it is a journey of recovery?
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ghstwolf@nemasys.com                  http://www.nemasys.com/ghostwolf
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Abuse will continue to thrive as long as good people do nothing 
       
Last updated: Saturday, 03-Jan-2015 18:13:19 PST