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Piracy / Copyright Notice | Break out of someone else's frames here |
Author's Note...
To all who have been waiting patiently for me to continue the bio; my sincere apololgies - and request for understanding.
I first attempted writing this section in late March of 1997 - and for the first time in my life, experienced the results of the programming and conditioning to the fullest. Each time I sat down to write this out, I became dizzy; my pulse became erratic, I became nauseated, and broke out in a cold sweat.
At first, I thought it was just a reaction to the idea of writing it out; the nervousness many experience when contemplating sharing very personal information with strangers - that made sense, because when I first wrote out some of my experiences to post to a survivor newsgroup, I had similar reactions.
So, I rationalized that these reactions were just more of the same, and wrote - and erased, and wrote - and erased - and ended up with a blinding migraine headache. I tried several more times over the next few weeks, only to have the same reactions each time.
My wife and partner Amou was the one who figured out what was going on - and told me that I was hitting the "don't tell" conditioning, that I was obeying the conditioning at some subconscious level - and I knew even as she said it that she was right.
I was even more determined; intellectually I know that the cult no longer has control of me, power over me - but the emotions, the training overruled my will repeatedly, over and over again.
I kept trying - writing; and erasing - over and over again.
After one attempt to write, an evening sometime during July, I gave up again, and laid down on the floor with the headphones on to attempt reducing the migraine that had developed... and I fell asleep. My wife and daughter-in-law came home - and found me in the sacrificial position with my hands crossed over my heart.
She recognized what she was seeing, and she and my daughter-in-law tried waking me up, tried moving my hands out of that position - and, after they did manage to wake me up, told me what they saw, and told me that I pulled my hands away and moved them to my shoulders, palms down.
Programming and conditioning are real, are effective, are deadly. Each one of us were trained to return to the cult and submit ourselves for sacrifice if we ever broke the silence, if we ever divulged what they did or how they did it.. That too was a very specific ritual, with the one who betrayed - or tried to betray the cult - to be executed in according to a strict set of procedures. Each of us were trained, thoroughly trained in those procedures - as victim, and as executioner.
The back-up program, should the call-back fail, was self-destruction; suicide. Many cults program their victims to suicide should those victims ever talk, should they ever break the silence.
I've lost several friends over the years to suicide; friends who were cult survivors. The docs and professionals all said "it's too bad, they just weren't strong enough to deal with the memories, they couldn't cope."
I wonder, I really wonder; and somehow, I don't think it was their ability - or lack of ability to cope - that drove them to suicide.
My own sister, Peggy - told a close friend of hers some of what happened to us as I found out later; two weeks later Peggy attempted suicide using uppers, downers, and booze - and failed - she lived - if her life could be called living. There were other factors involved in her suicide attempt; still - it is far too coincidental to me that she had disclosed some of the events shortly before her attempt.
As far as the cult is concerned, she was successful in her suicide attempt - for she was in a coma for several months - and emerged from that coma quadreplegic, blind - and brain-fried. Her IQ is less than 60. She's been silenced.
This happened in early 1973; and, she still lives - wheel-chair bound for the rest of her life, living in a group home where she can get some physical therapy to keep her muscles from atrophying, and some limited mental/emotional therapy.
Programming and conditioning are real, all too real; and so many people scoff at the idea, so many people turn their backs in disbelief.
But, it still goes on; here, now, throughout America and the world.
