Copyright © T. GhostWolf Davidson.
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The Cult: The Training Begins
CAUTION: The following contains descriptions of the religious beliefs of the cult known simply as "The Family." If you are a survivor of abuse based on Crowley's work or of Satanic abuse, the following may trigger you and/or result in abreactions and flashbacks.
Beliefs shattered, faith destroyed, dizziness
constant hunger, books, pressure, learn, memorize,
recite the names and laws -
Do well out there, in public, learn well in school,
Learn science and skills that The Family can use -
Never forget to never divulge - or else return, return to die
Remember the rituals, the when where, the how the why-
Enoch, Cabalah, Crowley, Levi, Nostradamus, Edgar Cayce;
Belial, Baphomet, Abraxes, Set, Ba'al - Lucifer;
Blue-skins and blood, circles within circles
within stars, candles black candles at the tips -
Golden chalice, belladonna, psylocybin, amyl nitrate;
Amphetamine for this, peyote for that, scopolamine here -
Morphine and heroin measured just so - watch the weight!
Chloroform and ether risky and choice of the last -
Remember, memorize, recite don't fail -
Don't fail -
Remember - the Altar waits
Grandpa Art took me home that morning, and told my mother and stepfather in no uncertain terms that I was to be allowed to sleep all day with no interruptions, and that he would return in the early evening to check on me.
Art stayed in the living room, talking in a very soft voice to my parents, who were strangely, almost submissively quiet as Art told them I had a surprisingly strong aptitude for science. Years later I figured out that Art had told my parents that he was taking me to a science tutor who was teaching me more than I could learn in school. Art walked with me to my bedroom and told me undress and get into bed. I did; and he sat on the edge of the bed and quietly said "Sleep now, and remember well what you've been taught and told."
The sun was setting when I woke up, and grandpa was standing in the doorway, leaning against the frame, just watching me. After a moment, he told me to get dressed and come with him. I did, and as we walked out the front door, my stepfather quietly said "have a good time, Terry " - and Art stopped, looked at him with a very peculiar expression.
He took me by the hand, and walked out to the car. Ray was behind the wheel.
We went back to the Victorian, down to the chamber; someone had moved in three large overstuffed chairs, arranged facing each other. Mary Anne was sitting in one chair; Ray motioned for me to sit down as he sat down.
There is no going back, no changing your mind - you understand?
I nodded yes. Ray leaned back and quietly told me that I would be coming here twice a week in the evening to be trained, and that I would be given a lot of advanced education and training about biology, chemistry, and religion, and that I would have to flawlessly learn what "the truth" is about God and Satan before I could learn anything about The Family - and that not only would they teach me as if I was in a regular class, but that they would also use drugs and hypnotism to ensure that I did learn it well.
He then leaned forward and in a very quiet voice told me that I was very special and destined to become the next High Priest of The Family, if I could only prove myself worthy of such an honor - and that if I failed to prove myself worthy - then I was worthy only of being a sacrifice - and he looked towards the curtained alcove where the special knives were stored.
He then told me they would continue to train me never to divulge anything I was taught, and that I would be tested at unexpected times - and punished severely if I failed; tested about what I had been taught, tested about divulging. Mary Anne then told me that I could not learn about the rest - how and when the drugs were to be used; the rituals, sacrifices, recruiting - until I had learned these first lessons perfectly.
Ray then told me that I was to continue submitting being rented out, submit to the continued sexual hungers of my "elders", submit to my parents and grandfather's beatings because until I proved otherwise, I was nothing but a worthless child of the devil, that the sex and beatings proved that I was worthless; that the only way I could prove my worthiness was to quietly submit and obey.
I asked them if I learned real well, would it mean my sister and brother would be treated better? Mary Anne smiled, and Ray laughed quietly... "of course", he said; "that's part of the bargain - you do well, they do well." And, for a while, they kept their word.
Each time we met, they'd teach me and test me, just like a teacher in a classroom; then they would inject me with the clear fluid, the one that made me feel far away, warm, floating... light the black candle... turn off the lights... and hypnotize me... repeatedly reminding me to never forget what I was taught, never forget what each Greek letter and color combination meant, never forget under which precise circumstances each would apply, and what I was to do and how to behave when those combinations were presented in various circumstances and places.
It wasn't only the cult and "The Family" beliefs they taught; Mary Anne helped me with my homework, asked me how I was doing at home and in school, and how the other children in school and the neighborhood treated me. She advised me on how to handle each problem I had, how to handle kids who asked too many questions or picked on me and Peggy, and comforted me when I was depressed, angry, or upset.
When I received good grades on tests, reports, report cards, Mary Anne rewarded me well, taking me and Peggy and Danny out to parks and a movie afterwards, buying us toys - and when I got less than a B, she did nothing - but Ray would would give me brutal beatings for letting my parents and The Family down - just like my father had done when I got anything less than a B grade.
Both Mary Anne and Ray repeatedly stressed the importance of education, of "making something of yourself"...
You will be useless to yourself and The Family if you settle for any menial job, such as being a mechanic or store clerk or mail man. Learn all the skills you can to become something useful, such as a policeman, teacher, pharmacist, lawyer, doctor, teacher, or undertaker. Become the best that you can at that career, because it will protect you, make you respectable, beyond nearly all suspicion if you learn well; and it will give you and The Family easy - and hidden - access to valuable resources
Mary Anne and Lillian both heavily encouraged me in the sciences; buying me books, biology kits and chemistry kits, and sitting down with me to read the books and do the experiments - never raising their voices or condemning me if I did something wrong; but gently telling me "try again, we know you're smart and can do it better than any one else."
It didn't take me long at all to start excelling in science.
Mary Anne and Ray also brought me books on religion, history, and mythology; she would read the mythology to me, holding me in her lap - but I had to study the religious books like any other textbook. Various versions of he Bible and New Testament were a constant, as were the works of Eliphas Levi and his disciple Aleister Crowley, Edgar Cayce, and Nostradamus; as well as several books about Wicca, Druids, the Cabalah and eastern mysticism.
When I ran into difficulties with some of the books - like Machievelli's "The Prince" - Mary Anne and Ray took their time to answer my questions carefully, explaining not only the meaning of words that were new to me, but also explaining the reasoning and methods behind what was being expressed, and why those methods worked - or did not work. After that, they would challenge me to figure out better ways to achieve the goals expressed in the book, and I found myself enjoying those sessions a lot. Never did Mary Anne or Ray talk down to me; instead, they talked to me as an equal, giving me challenging thought exercises; always gently and quietly discussing the pros and cons of each approach I derived, helping me refine and redefine each approach.
I was heavily tested on Wicca, the Druids, the Bible and Crowley's works in particular - and when I satisfied Mary Anne and Ray, they would reward me as before; taking me and my siblings out for treats - but, unlike the other training and schooling they gave me, if I did not answer Mary Anne's questions about those particular topics correctly, Ray punished me.
He placed me face down on the altar, spread-eagled, arms and legs locked in the adjustable manacles, and took an icepick that had been honed down to a very narrow shaft and needle sharp point in his right hand, and a cattle prod in his left - and told me that if I made a single sound at all that I would get burned by the "prod" - and he gave me a jolt on my genitals to show me what it was like. I screamed, and he jolted me again - and then said what was to come was not as bad - and that he knew I was strong and brave enough not to cry out.
He took the icepick and pushed it into my back just above the heart, sliding the point down against the bone - telling me that I was literally an inch from death - that a gentle shove would send the pick into my heart; and that if I continued to fail, he would kill me. He then scraped the point of the pick back and forth, back and forth against the bone, incredible pain, searing pain - I somehow remained silent; drawing on that ability I had learned to detach, to withdraw deep inside, shunting the pain aside to somewhere else.
Mary Anne simply sat there, watching; and when it was over, motioned to me to come to her - she held me in her lap, arms wrapped around me gently, and quietly whispered to me that she knew I could do better, that she knew I was smarter than Ray believed, that she believed in me.
That was the only way he disciplined me. It was only when I failed that he used the ice pick, when I failed to answer the religious training properly, or made a mistake as he trained me and had me rehearse the cult rituals.
That place on my back aches and itches intermittently to this day; particularly when I am exhausted and feeling stressed - or processing the abuse and repercussions of the abuse - or feeling like I have somehow failed at something some one else was depending on me for.
It didn't take me long to start learning well and answering the questions properly, quickly.
Mary Anne told me that a lot of their rituals were based on Wicca, Druidism, and Crowley's works; that the rituals went back generations in Ray's family, back to Old Europe; but that before she and Ray would teach me those, I had to learn what the Family believed about God and Satan.
What they believed, what they practiced... in retrospect, The Family's beliefs are unlike any other Satanic group's beliefs that I've learned about in subsequent years.
Mary Anne and Ray taught me, over and over again...
The Bible is true. Satan was indeed expelled to earth because of his pride, because he tried to overthrow God. Satan was and is the Father of Lies, never to be trusted, no matter what. Satan does not "steal" souls; that is a fable out of the dark ages. Satan does not have a "kingdom of Hell," and never was and never will be enthroned as "Lord of Hell"
Hell is precisely what the Bible and older documents describe; a place of pain and ultimate isolation where one is totally alone, in torment, forever. it is better to spend eternity alone and in torment than grovel mindlessly even though blissfully before a self-centered God.
We, The Family, despise God for punishing mankind so severely for making a simple error and for being weak; weak because He could not and would not admit He was self-centered and prideful; weak because He could not tolerate anyone or anything admiring anything besides himself. Weak, because he called himself the God of Love, and His "Love" condemns mankind to suffering here on earth and ultimately in Hell. Weak, in that in His "Love" for us, He turns away as famine, starvation, and disasters maim and kill; that, in spite of His declaration that mankind has "free will," the only thing God would ever accept is blind, mindless submission on His terms alone Even then, those that do submit do not find any end to suffering until after they die.
God is capricious, cruel, self-centered; the Torah and the Bible show example after example of cruelties and harsh, extreme judgements.
Satan's only goal is to turn as many humans away from God as he can, for each soul lost to God hurts God deeply, each perversion and twisting of God's teachings and creations add to His pain. Satan does indeed give power and special "gifts" to those who side with him, Lucifer, to defy God and hurt God as much as possible by perverting and destroying what He has created; and the greater the perversion, the greater the pain done to God, and the greater the Power granted by Satan.
They taught me to memorize all the Christian beliefs and practices, because I had to know exactly what they were in order to deliberately invert them, pervert them; to practice cruelty where Christians practiced mercy; dispense pain where they dispensed healing, all within the environments of the rituals - and so I could, knowing "the Christian Way", act in public as a "fine young christian man," beyond reproach or suspicion.
They taught me that the easiest way to turn people away from God is simply to direct them to something that would give them easy answers, easy access to a sense of power and control, something that would fulfill their hungers and lusts without any sense of responsibility or blame, without them having to admit there was something wrong with themselves: Seduction rather than persuasion.
The "something" didn't have to be Satan at all; money, possessions, other religions - particularly religions that encouraged indulgement in passions and lusts; that those religions could be used not only for personal gain, but also as a cover for the Family, as a way to screen for potential members - and victims - and they would teach me how.
But, before they would teach me more of this, how to apply it, I would first have to learn - and flawlessly practice - the rituals and the ceremonies of The Family.